My son? He’s still convinced that every time something happens, it’s someone else’s fault. I get that this is how we think in our 20′s. I try to remind him to take responsibility for his part and release the rest, but I’m usually unsuccessful.

The youngest is a typical 14 year old. She wants to buy everything and go wherever she wants without anyone telling her no, but she does tend to accept when I put limits on her. Getting her to work around the house is like pulling teeth, unless she wants something. I suppose I get that.

The 17 year old is at a crossroads, and we’re butting heads constantly.

Her expectation is that I support her completely, including her car insurance, until she’s 18 next month. I’m not financially capable of doing this. I scrape by, but not without a lot of help from my guy. Usually I maneuver what I can to pay what’s due and sigh heavily when I don’t have what’s left to pay, knowing that at some point, I will have more money and be able to make up for everything I haven’t paid. L makes three times what I do, but is still paying half his salary to his ex. I completely disagree with this, but it’s not my place to say. Still, he ends up supporting more of the household financial obligations than I can. It’s just the way it is right now, and he doesn’t complain. My beanie (the 17 yr old) told me this morning that, since my ex and I agreed he would just send me a check and *I* would pay the phone and insurance, she and her sister have been discussing what I’ve been doing with that money. You see, I canceled her car insurance, after warning her for 7 months that if she didn’t get a job to pay for it, I couldn’t continue the payments. She felt this was unfair, and then suggested that the child support was not being used to support the children, but rather given to my “sweetheart.”

It doesn’t matter how hard I try to explain the finances to them. It doesn’t matter how they feel about L, me, or my efforts to better myself. It doesn’t matter to them that, for the first time in my life, I am never late on my bills. To them, I am being unfair.

I bought my first car myself at age 19, when I already had 2 children. Nobody helped me. If I couldn’t afford insurance, I didn’t drive. I find it absolutely ridiculous that someone would think otherwise.

On one hand, I can completely understand the frustration of having to do “chores” such as dishes and vacuuming. But to honestly believe one shouldn’t HAVE to do them seems selfish and naive. I have to wonder what on earth is happening to the kids these days that they believe it is our job as parents to buy them everything they require until they decide they want to try to do it themselves. And I honestly have to wonder if their view of the world is my fault. I thought I did better than that.

Am I now battling against what I had previously instilled in them? Or are they watching their friends, who drive cars bought by parents and insurance paid for without them having to work, and wondering why THEIR mom doesn’t do that?

I have to believe that there is only so much I can do at this point, and hold my ground. I don’t have time to wallow in the sadness that I’ve somehow failed as a parent.

I have shit to do.

You see, most people with these conditions, myself included, tend to avoid physical activity and use medications to combat pain and fatigue. We have long supported the research community’s findings that these illnesses are the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain, not because we are sedentary. While I am still certain that there are significant changes in our brain chemistry, I am becoming convinced that a sedentary lifestyle does more harm than good to patients who suffer from these chronic conditions.

How dare I suggest that we need to put the chips down and get off the couch. Seriously. But that’s the truth. Muscles in horrible condition will hurt more than muscles in good condition. Stretching is good for Fibromyalgia, and strengthening muscles will reduce the pain in the long run. Yes, you will hurt more at first. Probably a LOT more. God knows I did. But after a while, I noticed I was taking less of the medicine for breakthrough pain, and my pain number was significantly lower. At this point, I’m feeling like I could go back to workouts at the gym if I chose to. And that’s saying something.

Yes, I still need pain meds. I think that’s the part I will never completely escape. But I feel better. I feel stronger. And I’m not willing to believe anymore that less is more when it comes to exercising my aching muscles.

When it comes down to it, I’d much rather be hot and in pain than drugged up and slug-ish. (get it? Sluggish? BWAHAHAH!)

And yes, the blog is in the process of redesign. I think it fits my new way of viewing myself and the world around me. Much has changed, and most of it for the better. Such good things happening now, and while I haven’t been able to keep up with you all, I have missed you very much.

So let’s recap. When last you tuned in, I had finally given up on my marriage of 12 years, after pouring my heart and soul into it for the last 5 or so. I had a brief emotional breakdown with much counseling. I moved in with the man who had scandalously been my lover for 3 years, off and on. My divorce became final. I started back to school for the first time in 20 years, in pursuit of my Bachelor’s degree in nursing.

I am incredibly proud to tell you that I have achieved a 4.0 for every term since returning to school, and am set to graduate with my Associate’s degree (transfer degree) in June of 2012. I will then be headed to nursing school. It has not been easy, but the long nights and huge assignments I obsessed over have definitely paid off. I’m beginning to see all the things I have that nobody will ever take away from me, and my confidence in myself has increased a hundred fold. While engaged in my studies, I discovered that, not only do I love Spanish as a language, I also love the people in the Latino community, and will be pursing a minor of Latin Studies in addition to my Bachelor’s of Sciences: Nursing.

Yo gano (“I am winning”).

I am still cohabitating with L., and while we are not always perfectly blissful, I can say without a doubt that he is the perfect partner for me. We are passionately in love, and take the job of caring for one another very seriously. The fact that I still smile when I fold his underwear tells you how new we still are, but we are both confident that this is the life we want-a life with one another.

There have been several bumps in the road; my children “hate” him (rightfully so, when he was partially responsible for their lives changing forever, but unrightfully so when he reminds them to empty the dishwasher), neither of us completely agree with the other’s style of parenting, and we are both so scarred from our previous relationships that we tend to dig our heels in and refuse to give an inch, after giving so many miles. We have tense discussions, then take some time and regroup, coming back to the conversation with the intent of solving the problem in a way that works for both of us. Which is entirely NEW to both of us.

There are a few issues that will never find common ground between us; He will never be ok with how far I will allow the kids to go before I put my foot down, and I will never be ok with him still financially supporting his ex, though they haven’t been together in over 2 years. In fact, it’s all I can do to keep from starting a fight every time he hands her half his paycheck. But…this is something I have no control over, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s to let go of things I cannot control.

Overall, things are spectacular. I am happy, healthy, and loved. I hope this post finds you experiencing the same.