I wandered through the bedroom aimlessly, looking at the stacks of papers, piles of clothing and the dust, all highlighted by the beams of sunlight peeking through the curtains. It’s times like this I feel the most helpless. Helpless, because it needs to be dealt with. Laundry needs to be done. Vacuuming. Washing of the bedsheets. I want to smell the fresh, pre-spring breeze coming through the window and drifting across a clean room. But I’m simply not sure if my body will let me complete the task. Last time I started it and left the job half-finished, with me on double doses of Vicodin in a hot bath with tears of frustration and pain. I know. Poor me. Whatever. It needs to be done. And nobody else will do it. Not the way I’ll do it. So I should just do it already, right? Ahh, but in the other room, on the other end of the house, sits a computer with a ton of emails and even more work. All waiting for me. And the limited amount of energy I have won’t accomplish both. It’s a moment of rebellion when I breathe a heavy sigh, open the window and begin picking up tighty whities and socks, tossing them in the basket destined for the laundry room. Oh yes I will accomplish both. And I will not end up in a hot bath. In fact, I will take a half dose of pain pills, thankyouverymuch. I never said I was smart.

I cleaned the room, washed the sheets and vacuumed, including the nooks & crannies under and behind the bed and headboard. Less dust means less allergies. I semi-organized my cosmetic/jewelry drawer and sit here now, watching the fresh breeze blow the curtains and the beautiful, warm sunlight touch each corner of my clean room. This is usually when I feel most at peace. Where I feel God. And while He is here now, the most prominent thing I feel is the stirring. Again with the stirring in my spirit. It’s not peace. It’s not pain. It’s something else. There is something wrong.

Can’t I just enjoy a clean room? Clearly not.

I want my sick husband to come home and curl up in this clean bed with me, cry and hug and watch sci-fi teevee. Then again, I kind of don’t. There’s a part of me that says it’s not his company I want. I’m also still feeling hurt over something a friend said yesterday that caught be my surprise and made me cry. I’m feeling out of sorts and off track and I just can’t put my finger on why, already! I could name several things possibly producing the ill-at-ease feeling. I’ve gained 20 lb since the “thing” happened. I’m drinking far too much, far too often. I’m working too many hours for not enough money. Rather, for no paycheck at all. The Mr. is very stressed at work and I’m cooking like a maniac, which means lots of rich, comfort food and most of his at-home time spent on the computer in his cave. I’m serving his dinner at the computer again. And that, as we all know, is a very bad sign. I’m questioning my choices. My decisions. I’m feeling pangs of anger and guilt, am worried about my children and pretty much anything else that merits worry. And some things that don’t.

And I can’t feel God.

Even worse, I know it’s me. Because He didn’t move.

I’ve been here countless times. I know what it takes to get back to a place where I feel Him again. It takes sacrifice. It takes making choices to remove things and people from my life that distract me from my purpose. And while I’ve done it before and am pretty sure I would do it again, if necessary, I’m just not convinced it’s the right thing to do at this point.

I don’t know if everything I know about faith and life is even true right now. And so, three hours, 2 drinks and 4 loads of laundry later, we have the real problem. I don’t know what’s true. I know God exists. I know He loves me. That’s about it.

So I lay in my fresh, clean bed and wonder: Can that just be enough for right now? Please, God, can that just be enough?

_________________

A side note:

Many of you know that this blog has not really been a safe place for me to write how I feel, how I really feel, for a while now. Most of what I post ends up in a public forum somewhere, where I am belittled and laughed at by people who don’t know anything about me and whose opinion does not matter. What does matter is the integrity of the concept of blogging and the fact that I can no longer participate in the spirit in which I choose.

Because of this I have opened a new blog elsewhere and will be offering the location to those who are not in the aforementioned category. I will keep this one open for a while. I might post, I might not. This one is my public blog. I might toss out some recipes, though you can still find those at tsmcooks.com. Who knows? I might just post about the Fantasy Nascar I hope to be involved in shortly.

Anyway, if you read because you care, please ask for the new info. I would love to take you with me. It’s because of you I didn’t quit altogether.

Many hugs and happy thoughts,

TSM

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 18th, 2010 at 7:40 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.