Vacant
Lately I think that’s what people see when they look at me. Vacant, empty eyes.
Sure, the motivation to drive off a cliff or into a telephone pole is gone, but so is everything else. My ability to feel anything to any extent beyond “that’s nice…” as well as my body’s ability to…well, be really, really happy. And if you want to affect a girl, take away her outtie. That’s bound to mess her stuff up. I’m relatively sure this is all due to the happy pills my doc put me on when I mentioned the “S” word more than once in our last appointment. And strongly encouraged me to “…talk to someone…” But I am! I’m talking to my internets! Isnt’ that enough? No? Oh surely one of you has some sort of psychology certification, yes? Right! That’s what I’m sayin!
I know it was reasonable to feel like I only had one way out. I can intellectually understand why I felt that way and needed medication. But the numbness that results from the (stars with a “P” and rhymes with “Rozac”) isn’t just affected my ability to have an outtie. It has affected how I see everything. And in some ways, that frightens me more than when I wanted to take all my meds at once.
I’m supposed to be in mourning. And while I feel a distinct loss, the depth to which I felt it before the medication is not there. And I need it to be there. I need to feel that loss. Because if I don’t, once I stop taking the happy pills, it’s going to hit, and hit hard. And all the “progress” we’re making in our marriage will come crumbling down.
I question calling it “progress” because I’m not sure it is. Yes, we’re living together, sleeping together, and in general, acting like a couple. But our core issues aren’t really being discussed. Perhaps we’re putting it off until later? I’m not exactly sure. I just feel some of the old stuff still there along with his newfound view of me as his personal security blanket. His words, not mine. A few years ago I would have eaten it up. Now I’m not sure how I feel about it. Some days I’m happy he needs me so much. Some days I just want to be alone. And all of it is so understated because of the chemicals that I wonder what the point is in feeling it at all.
People ask how we’re doing. My answer is always the same. We’re…doing.
October 20th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Oh great….you’re empty and vacant and I’m a raging angry hormonal bitch (read my post from this morning). The two of us are quite the pair. I’m amazed how the human body can be so full of spirit and feeling and emotion one moment and then….the next day…..zero, empty, vacant, empty house. Ahh, the living of the normal every day life….it’s not for the fainthearted.
October 20th, 2009 at 10:55 am
I’ve walked a mile in shoes similar to yours. I won’t even pretend to know what you’re going through exactly because everyone experiences things differently.
I have been put on medications that make me feel like I’m in a shell watching life pass me by and I’m screaming to get out and nobody can hear me. Then again, there are days I’m glad I’m there and don’t have to participate in what is going on around me.
I want to say it gets better. I’m not sure I can say that. Have you told your doc how you feel on the drugs? Maybe it’s the wrong one for you or the wrong dose. The first medication is not always the right one. As for something else, and ask for samples so you’re not wasting $$ on medication that does not work.
October 20th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Becky-I haven’t actually seen the doc in a few weeks since I got the meds, but I see him this week so I will mention it. I think for me the benefits outweigh the bad stuff right now so I just have to settle. Trouble is, it shuts off the part of me that will Never! Settle! Ever!
So I just go along. Say “okayyyyy” to everything. Even when I really shouldn’t. I love your insight and am so glad you keep coming back 
October 20th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
I commented on your post…and you are so right! Everyday life is an adventure! I just wish I wasn’t feeling like I was on barbituates at Disneyland.
October 20th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
Becky pretty much covered everything I was thinking as I was reading your post. Talk to your Doctor asap. It sounds like you may have the wrong medication or dosage. As far as talking… going to see a counselor isn’t a bad idea at all, in fact, I think its a great one. I would strongly recommend it. They can help you work through stuff that you didn’t even know was a problem.
October 26th, 2009 at 7:08 am
Honey, you know who does have that master’s degree… Call her! She under no circumstances would discuss anything you say to her with anyone! She also knows all those time zones on what pills do what by when and you know she’ll say to talk to your doc… I too have been there and have a combo that works for me so call her or your doc please!
October 28th, 2009 at 7:38 am
No need to post my comment when you pull for moderation… Just wanted you to remember your options
November 2nd, 2009 at 11:53 am
Someone told me once that a glass needs to be empty before being filled. Sometimes it’s quick with something simple like water. Other times it needs to take time and slowly be filled like with a fine wine or liqueur.
November 15th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Tracy, honey, if you are even thinking of the “s” word then let us assume the “d” word. Prozac, as with all mental health meds, causes unpleasant symptoms when you first start taking it. If you perservere these side effects will disappear but it’s also true, as previously mentioned, that you may have to go through this miserable process more than once as most people have to try more than one med until they find one or combination of more than one that works. I strongly believe that the fairly recent trend of MD’s prescribing mental health meds without making concurrent arrangements for counseling is alarming. These types of meds were meant to be used along with therepy. By themselves they will only mask the problem, if you’re lucky. And, NO, Miss Tracy, while I admire your courage to just lay it all out there, the internets are not “talking to someone”. Please, please, please. Find a good counselor.