Questioning
I feel very introspective today.
I’ve been standing at the stove stirring a pot for a while and listening to the 12 yr old on the phone asking her girlfriend what she should wear to school tomorrow. And I started thinking about how much I wish my hardest decision was what to wear to school tomorrow. Those days felt so difficult and full of angst. Now I long for a life so simple.
Simplicity has been on my mind a lot today, apparently. Craig Morgan’s “Redneck Yacht Club” was playing on my radio as I drove around town and got my mind wrapped up in the concept of a redneck and what that means. A simple kind of life with desires no higher than the cheap beer and a chaise lounge to be happy. Needing only a single wide to call home and be truly content. How the soccer parents would chide such lofty goals. But I’m longing for that simplicity today. I’m wondering if I could be that content with such simple pleasures. If my heart even knows the meaning of simple right now.
Why do we make things so complicated?
I’ve seen some questioning my choices. Judging me. Always standing in judgment. I’ve done many things in the last few years, but standing in judgment is something you will never see me do. I don’t like to mess with the slivers and planks, thankyouverymuch. And I just can’t understand why someone would want to judge someone else. More to the point, I don’t know how someone could feel they are qualified to do so. Ever. I mean, don’t we all live in glass houses? What’s the point of throwing stones?
My faith says to put down our stones. But the simple fact that I *have* faith seems to be a reason to judge me. Because surely someone who has God in their life must be the picture of perfection, right? Obviously a Christian can’t make mistakes. And to be in the middle of something and say, “wait. Hold on here…something isn’t right…” then turn tail and go 180 degrees the other direction because it’s the right thing to do is completely out of the question. Part of me says those sitting in judgment are only doing so because they wouldn’t know the right thing to do if it bit them on the backside. And yet they should be well acquainted with living solely for oneself, so none of this should be a mystery. Then I think about how it must feel to live like that and I feel sadness. This is painful for everyone involved. It’s easy to forget that when I’m angry.
But someone saying I’m a hypocrite and a horrible example of a Christian doesn’t make me any less valuable as a person. It only proves what we all know already. Of COURSE I am those things! Isn’t that the point of faith? We need saving. We can’t be perfect on our own. We can’t even come close. If there is one thing I wish I could tell non-believers it’s that. Don’t look to me for an example. I’ll let you down every time. It’s because I fail and fall that I need God in my life.
And yet…I question God in all of this, too. Was I following what He wants for me when I was so unhappy? Was I operating under the wrong idea the whole time and that’s why I became disillusioned? Is this all planned out in advance and I’m just a pawn? Or is free will just that and God just watches from a distance? Why am I here at all? My brain hurts. My heart hurts. My body? Yep. It hurts.
I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t have any answers. Just a few heavy sighs.
October 6th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
I’ve had to make a ton of difficult choices in my life, and a lot of the early ones were due to religion. I think that, and how I saw people act and the way they treated me due to what they believed was “what God wanted” I think ruined what little faith I had. So, I envy you that. I’ve had to make some hard, gut-wrenching decisions over the course of the last year, especially, and there are times I really wish I had faith in something other than myself…because that is too shaky to rely on.
I don’t think any of us have answers, but I understand where you’re at, and how you feel. I’ve been there, I am still there. I just wish I had more to hold on to than myself. You’ll be okay, but i know it’s hard right now to know what’s right, and what’s best.
October 6th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Uh, and my name would be Adena, NOT Adeja. Geez, I can’t even spell my own name right…
October 7th, 2009 at 5:41 am
I have faith and have, over the last few years, made more mistakes than I care to count. God forgives us so why don’t we forgive ourselves?
I’ve often mourned simplicity and still find it elusive even now that I’ve changed my whole life. Damn, to be a kid again.
October 7th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
I don’t understand judging very much. My guess is that it helps people explain the harder things in life. I tend to not be very judgmental especially online, because I only know a tiny fraction of what you put out here.
October 9th, 2009 at 12:33 am
I can see it bothers you that some have handed you some pretty harsh and heavy judgement. Please remember that it has nothing to do with who you really are.
To sit in judgement of others is just another mistake people make. It’s easy to armchair quarterback other peoples lives and I know I’ve been guilty of it myself. In time, we all learn to a certain extent that its pretty silly to make assumptions about what someone should or shouldn’t do, or about their character. All we can do is do our best and hope its good enough.
Just remember what I’ve told you before, life is too short to live by other peoples expectations. Do what’s right for you, don’t be afraid to makes mistakes and live and learn. Shut out the rest of the blah blah blah bullcrap.
And remember the people that matter will love you no matter what!
October 12th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
These are the lyrics to a song by Sandi Patti called “When I Heal” I heard it and thought of you. It is an absolutely beautiful song… Go find it and listen to it!
WHEN I HEAL
Shooting arrows in the darkness.
Holding fire in your hands.
Oh and yesterday’s forsaken
Cause the innocence was taken away.
And so the ashes blow around me.
My fears rise up to fan the flame.
But in the midst of all my sorrow,
I hear a distant sweet tomorrow
Call my name.
(Chorus):
When I heal,
When I learn,
When I face all that I’ve been running from.
When I see,
When I know that my time has come.
When I can feel the sun again,
Now the morning light’s my friend.
When the ash is a flame.
When I heal.
Secrets locked away deep inside.
Shadows are never far behind.
But what rattles in the closet
Can be driven from the darkness today.
(Chorus)
Climbing the stairway of regrets,
It’s hard to fathom what he forgives, he forgets.
(Chorus)
(repeat 2x):
I can feel the sun again,
Now the morning light’s my friend.
When the ash is a flame.
When I heal.
Powerful… right? I still think of you and care for you. I will continue to pray and hope nothing but the best for you and your loved ones throughout this trying time.
Go listen to it!