We had it all figured out. He was prepared to give me my equity in the house and I was moving out in 4 days. We would sign some paperwork with the intention of filing for divorce in the near future. There were attorneys to be involved. It was for the best.

Except that it wasn’t.

Every step of the way my heart was screaming not to do this. Never have I been so completely ripped into two pieces. Half my heart with my family and husband, the other half with a man who has stood by me for two years and given up his life to begin a new one with me. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. Be without my husband? But we were supposed to grow old together! You don’t leave someone you love! What about my children? My faith? My home? And what about this other man I love so much? We had made plans! This was our new start! A chance to be who we really are with one another and make a life we can both be proud of!

There will be much said, but none of you can fully appreciate the depths of hell my heart has been in over the last weeks. And while there will be many on both sides of the issue, I made the best choice I could make.

I am staying with my husband and we are working it out.

Clearly he is an amazing man with a huge capacity to love. Much greater than I gave him credit for. To be so willing to simply stop the process and start over with me is a gift I didn’t deserve. I still don’t. And my heart still aches.

Making this choice didn’t magically change how I feel. But it’s probably the most grown-up thing I’ve done in 2 years. A very wise man said it best:

“…you owe this man an apology. You promised him something that wasn’t yours to give. You gave it to your husband when you made a covenant with him and God.”

Ahhh yes. I knew God would find me. After spending many days in the belly of the whale I am now spewed on the beach and ready to do the right thing. Because there really is right and wrong. And I was going to do the wrong thing. For everyone involved.

I heard it was recently said that I used this man and this whole affair to get my husband’s attention. Going back to him and working on my marriage certainly seems to back this up. But it’s just not productive to go into paragraphs telling you how I loved the man and what he brought to my life. But understand this: I was prepared to leave my family for him. And nobody can ever tell me what I felt wasn’t as real as it gets. But he couldn’t have my whole heart, because part of it still belonged to my husband. And as long as that is true, I will never be able to move on.

Moving into the light, so to speak, means days filled with suspicion, extra medication and completely inappropriate coping mechanisms. It means making contact when I know I shouldn’t because I’m dying to see how he’s doing. And realizing immediately it’s a mistake and starting over. It means learning to look at my husband with the eyes I’ve been using for someone else. It means finding a way…somehow…to forgive myself. Though I doubt that is in the near future.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that whatever you might say to beat me up, I can do you one better. Every time.

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